I stopped the car briefly at the bottom of my fairly steep rural driveway simply to observe a man donning logging gear and wielding a chainsaw. He was trimming brush just across the gravel country road. Nothing out of the ordinary here in southern Oregon. So, I carried on with my business and went on my merry way.
When I returned home, about an hour later, I decided to drive past my own driveway to get a closer look at this logger’s endeavors. He waved at me, trying to get my attention, but admittedly I was preoccupied and I did not stop to exchange words. I innocently drove past the man and the piles of debris that he would soon ignite.
A few hundred yards down the road I turned around to return to my humble home on the hill.
As I passed by the man again, he now stepped out and into the road screaming blasphemies at me and swinging his saw. “You f___ing bitch” he yelled, at the top of his lungs, and he continued his horrific rant with words I dare not to consider.
I was stunned and mortified. And foolishly, without much thought, I turned my car around again to approach this less than gentle man and inquire what it was that I had done to elicit such a reaction.
I stopped and I asked him what it was that I had done to arouse such a rage and such a vicious assault.
He went “ballistic.” He could not deal with my confrontation.
His anger turned to rage. How had I dared not to acknowledge him and his effort to get my momentary attention. He certainly had my focus now.
I heart-fully apologized and suggested that he not take my aloofness personally and I expressed that he had no idea of what I was experiencing or what was going on in my life.
My words only fueled his fire and toxic language continued to pour forth from his mouth. Blood flushed his face and fury filled his energy. His body was tensing; his arms were flailing.
Fear alerted me that his chainsaw could become a weapon in an instant and, with much trepidation, I quickly escaped the encounter and returned to my peaceful home.
But, I was not at peace.
I sat with my feelings and I asked myself and G*d what I had done to attract such a toxic situation into my life. I listened intently and amazingly enough, the answer came quickly.
I was told that I had needed to observe what anger really looked like, and to experience what anger really felt like, from the outside, because I had only known anger from the inside. I had only known the anger that I had inflicted upon myself.
I rarely displayed my anger outwardly as it was always brutally self-directed and I was almost immune to the familiarity of the energy.
Having experienced multiple emotional traumas in my life, I had blamed everything on myself and I had punished myself accordingly with my anger.
Until that moment of conscious awakening.
I had seen what anger looked like. I had faced it on the road. And now I had to face it within.
It was too dark and too heavy to carry any longer. And I was done.
Almost instantly my personal cloak of rage unravelled. It was gone.
And, I was filled with enormous gratitude for the messenger and the gift.
But that wasn’t all.
I then realized that all this man had really wanted was to be seen and honored for the work that he was doing. And I did not yield to his desperation.
After my epiphany, I realized that all I have ever wanted is to be acknowledged for the truth of my soul and the gifts that I offer in this world. How could I have withheld such from him?
I now saw me in him, and I saw him in me, and via this awakening I became whole.
I see myself more clearly now and I am shining my light even more brightly.
My complete immersion into anger allowed me complete conscious awareness for which I am grateful.
Nothing is what it appears to be.
